I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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