apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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