Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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