Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
BRING THE BAGELS
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
