I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
