i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
