Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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