Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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