i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
