Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my shit smells like andre
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
