Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
