Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
