omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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