I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
