the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
