it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
