In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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