Just fell off a train. Bad.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
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U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
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well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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