Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
