She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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