my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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