I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
