I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize