Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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