I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
