if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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