ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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