Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
