Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm like, not good at living.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
