The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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