I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
