Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
