i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
