my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
