i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
