I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
