i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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