Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Houston, we have a squirter
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
