i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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