i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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