Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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