Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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