my mouth tastes like poor choices
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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