Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
