ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
