Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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