My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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