This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
