he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
