at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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