just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
