you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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