Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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