I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
