I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
