last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
